Not nearly as impressive as it sounds
In Superman Returns, Kal-El (Clark Kent) embarks on an extended journey to the remnants of his home world in a search for answers about his people and himself. He eventually returns to Earth, and thus the movie begins. Like Clark, I also went on a soul searching quest to discover myself and realize my destiny. OK, not really. I actually went to the local grocery store to get some grape Kool-Aid, and I just got back. I'm sorry, but that crap's delicious. And just in case you're thinking I don't measure up to Superman, I'll have you know that my little quest was fraught with peril. The grape Kool-Aid was hiding behind the cherry, adding many seconds to my expedition. And if that’s not enough, the cashier smelled vaguely of boiled shrimp, and she wasn’t very nice, either. I’m lucky to be alive.
Supergeek Returns. I gave much thought to the name of this site. At first, I had thought about purchasing the domain name holycrapimgoingtodieavirgin.com, and as true and appropriate as that maybe, that’s just way too long and much too difficult to remember. So I decided on supergeekreturns.com. As you’ll see, it’s just as appropriate. In many ways, I have been "gone" for awhile, but that's a story for another time.
As for my actual geek credentials, that status was cemented the year after I graduated from college. I had a friend, a friend who was actually a hot looking girl. Yeah, I was amazed myself. Anyway, she lived in the college town, and I went to stay with her one weekend. That night, as I was preparing to sleep on the sofa, she looked at me and gave me a devious little smile. She said, “Why don’t you skip that little sofa and just sleep with me?” Now, any normal guy would’ve picked up on the fact that her bed was really only big enough to sleep one, and that normal dude would’ve commenced to gettin’ busy. I am not a normal guy. Instead, I got the image in my head of two friends trying to sleep in a crowded bed, kind of like a sleepover episode of “Leave It to Beaver.” I told her, “No thanks. The bed’s too small.” She just stared at me with a confused look on her face for a long moment and left me to spend the night on the couch. The only thing I was missing was Spider-Man pajamas and a Duke GI Joe action figure to sleep with.
Anyway, what’s the purpose of this site? To be honest, my initial impetus was to use it to promote my CafePress shop, Supergeek Returns: The Shop. It’s filled with original designs I create whenever I get bored, which is often. The designs cover many themes: funny, humorous, goofy, geeky, cool, stupid, sarcasm, etc. The designs are available on t-shirts, buttons, prints, clocks, hoodies, ornaments, sweatshirts, greeting cards, postcards, posters, magnets, stickers, etc. I use it as an outlet for my creative impulses and as a stress reliever. It's like natural Xanax, but not as good. The shop is divided into four sections:
Pop Culture T-shirts and Gifts -- This section has funny and sarcastic designs based on popular movies, music, television. There is a strong emphasis on retro and nostalgic stuff from the 80s, but many of the designs incorporate themes from the 90s and current trends.
Geek and Gamer T-shirts and Gifts -- Funny, sarcastic, and cool designs based on geeks and the geek lifestyle such as computers, gaming, the Internet, virginity, loneliness, eventual withdrawal from the human race and other optimistic crap like that. I love being a geek!.
The Kitchen Sink T-shirts and Gifts -- This is where I stick the designs that, like myself, don't really fit in anywhere else. They're still funny. They're still cool. And they've just moved out of their parents' houses. Like I said, they're just like me. OK, now I'm sad. I need to be held.
Motivational Gifts -- I started this section a while back. I wanted to add at least a little something to the site that was thoughtful and poignant. I hope I did. Plus, chicks dig that emotional stuff. I should know since I have so many girlfriends and Michael Bolton albums.
Any of the items at the shop would make great Christmas gifts, holiday gifts, and birthday presents.
The idea for this site has evolved over the weeks that I’ve been planning it, though. I intend to showcase my designs and those of others that I’ve found that I think are pretty cool and original. In addition, I intend to spotlight other products and places on the web that I find interesting.
I've also started a blog, and after much soul searching I've decided to give it the incredibly original and totally unexpected name: Supergeek Returns: The Blog. It took me several months to come up with that name. Everybody’s got a blog. I might as well have one, too. It gives me street cred, yo! Vanilla Ice ain' t got nothing on me, and everyone knows he was the coolest and most "for real" rapper to ever come out of an upper middle class gated community. He was hardcore.
The following designs are from my CafePress shop, Supergeek Returns: The Shop. NOTE: each of the designs is featured on a sample product, but most of the designs are available on a variety of merchandise. Click on the name of the design or the picture to open a new window to that particular section.
It's Only Forever T-shirts and Gifts
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It's Only Forever, Not Long At All
I watched Labyrinth the other night. I bought it from Amazon because I'm a compulsive shopper and I was bored. I found and purchased David Bowie's "Magic Dance" and "Underground," two songs from the soundtrack. Naturally, that got me anxious to see the movie again. It's been awhile. I first saw it in 1986. After that, I probably watched it once a week for about a year. We only got about three channels with an antenna, so my viewing options were limited. I took what I could get, which amounted to about ten bootlegged VHS movies. Anyway, I probably had the movie memorized at one point.
By the time I graduated high school, we had moved to town and had gotten cable. Labyrinth somehow was forgotten, so it's been at least fifteen years since I've seen it. I guess it's kind of like riding a bike. You never really forget, and I found myself remembering most of the scenes as soon as I saw them. There was a nice touch this time around, though. I'm no longer the stupid sixteen year old nerd I was back then.
Now I'm a thirty-five year old nerd. The film is layered with many nuances that escaped me back in the day. Seeing it as a kid, I totally missed the metaphor that permeates the film. That's sad considering that the symbolism is about as subtle as a sledgehammer to the skull...continued.
Frog's Comics T-shirts and Gifts
Frog's Comics -- Santa Carla, CA -- est. 1985
The Lost Boys not only defined the 80’s as far as pop culture goes; it also is a really well done vampire horror movie with just enough dark comedy to ease some of the tension, and it sported one of the most awesome soundtrack albums ever. All that adds up to one cool movie. Back in the day, the two Corey’s were the coolest thing going. As a movie duo, they were box office gold in their youth. Sadly, they would go on to become icons of douchebagery, but everybody makes mistakes. For a few short years in the mid to late 80’s, however, they were unstoppable. But the Corey’s are just a facet of the jewel that is The Lost Boys. It was one of Kiefer Sutherland’s early roles, and his performance as David is memorable to say the least. It is also the one movie that I always think of when someone mentions Jason Patric. Sure, he’s been in a lot of movies since, but his portrayal of Michael Emerson was sincere and utterly believable. Probably the most memorable part of the film are the Frog brothers. Played by Corey Feldman and Jamison Newlander, Edgar and Alan Frog (named after Edgar Allen Poe) ran their parents' comic book store on the boardwalk by day and fought vampires by night in the fictional city of Santa Carla, CA—not so affectionately known as The Murder Capital of the World. The Frog brothers will return in the upcoming sequel, The Lost Boys 2: The Tribe.
Someone Else's Boss T-shirts and Gifts
My Boss Is A Real Jerk (this is someone else's shirt)
I’ve got this friend. This friend has a problem. My friend has a really crappy boss. Now, I’m not going to reveal whether my friend’s boss is a man or woman; that’s just not important. Let’s just say—just for general cocktail conversation info, mind you—that my friend’s boss has ovaries. Big, gigantic ovaries that pump out enough estrogen to make an entire retirement home’s worth of grandmothers fertile again. She must have a menstrual cycle every three days from the way that she acts, but, again, not that it matters....continued.
Power Ballad Power T-shirts and Gifts
"Power Ballads -- Getting guys to first base for over 35 years"
I remember my first date back in high school. As first dates go, it wasn’t so bad. OK, it was pretty bad. What was supposed to be a solo date turned into a group thing with the other two guys in the Geek Squad tagging along. One minute I was spraying Obsession on my awesome Kirk Cameron button down shirt-skinny tie combination wardrobe thinking about how I’m going to be French kissing my date and other stuff like that, and the next minute my two dorky buddies were in the backseat of the car singing Milli Vanilli a cappella. That’s what I get for bragging to them about having a date with a girl who wasn’t inflatable. She didn’t seem to mind, though. Plus, these two guys were such dweebs that they made me look cool in comparison. And that wasn’t an easy feat back then considering I had a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle action figure hanging on my rearview mirror...continued.
One Shall Stand... T-shirts and Gifts
"One shall stand. One shall fall."
In 1986, Transformers: The Animated Movie took the geek world by storm. Finally, all the nerds could see their favorite Autobots and Decepticons on the big screen, complete with a rocking pop metal soundtrack and improved animation. And two curse words. Never forget the two curse words. The film also contained the climactic battle between Optimus Prime and Megatron. It was everything that Transfans could hope for. True, it only lasted for about three minutes, but still, it was awesome. In the prelude to the confrontation, Optimus Prime uttered the six words that would define an era: One shall stand. One shall fall. Yeah, it's geeky for grownups to quote it, and it's probably not a good idea to spew that out on a first date. But Optimus will always be cool, and so will that line.
"I've got the touch. I've got the power. Yeah."
Speaking of the pop metal soundtrack in the Transformers animated movie, "The Touch" by Stan Bush is so sugary that it will rot your teeth out. But no Transformers fan can deny that Optimus Prime's big scene in the film was made by this song. If not for "The Touch," the adrenaline effect of Optimus's butt kicking montage would not have been nearly as effective. "The Touch" may not be the best song to play at your wedding or a biker bar, but it was perfect for this movie.
Symbiotic Emo T-shirts and Gifts
"Symbiotes. They bring out the emo."
When the character of Venom debuted in the Spider-Man comics back in the late 80's, it was an instant hit. He was evil, ruthless, and just plain scary. He was also Spider-Man's fault. Peter Parker has worn the alien symbiote suit for awhile, despite ample warning signs that something was just not quite right. By the time he had shed himself of the alien life form, it had gained enough of Spider-Man's powers—and Peter's bad side—that, when coupled with arch rival Eddie Brock, made for a very imposing villain.
This was all portrayed very well in Spider-Man 3. As it turns out, the symbiote also came with two other side effects, one good and one not. The good: the ability to dance. Peter Parker would've put all the Soul Train dancers to shame. The bad: the emo look. For some unexplained reason, the symbiote made Peter grow his hair long and over his face, wear black, don eyeliner, and generally act like a moping dork. And that, above all, made the Venom symbiote the most dangerous villain Spider-Man has ever faced. One more day with the symbiote and Peter would have started listening to whiny music in the dark 24/7, and the world would never have seen its beloved Spider-Man again.
You're Not Bob T-shirts and Gifts
"You're not Bob so step away from the wheel"
Face it, Bob Barker is The Price Is Right. Can you really see Ryan Seacrest showing Mary from Wisconsin how to play Plinko? Can you visualize Wink Martindale standing there when the fake Squeeze Play noise decides James from North Dakota's fate? No, you can't. As much as I love TPIR, it just won't be the same without Bob. And if Rosie gets anywhere close to the Big Wheel, somebody needs to push her into it. Nobody wants to hear her say "Hootie Patootie" when someone barely misses the dollar. Luckily, Drew Carey got the job. He'll never be Bob Barker, but he seems to be filling the shoes quite nicely.
On the Docks T-shirts and Gifts
"I worked with Tommy on the docks until the union went on strike. It's been tough. I'm just sayin'."
Released in 1986, Slippery When Wet was a huge album for Bon Jovi. If I remember correctly, that album spawned twenty seven number one hits and even found a cure for cold sores. It was that big. Of all the singles, "Livin' on a Prayer" is the signature track on the album, and the song is the one that most people will connect to Bon Jovi fifty years from now. The trials of Tommy and Gina were our trials because Tommy and Gina were us. I don't think I even knew what people did on the docks back then, but I still was rooting Tommy just the same.
"Meteor Freaks Anonymous. We Came. We Fought. We Lost."
I’m
addicted to Smallville. I didn’t
really get introduced to it until it showed up on The ABC Family Channel a
couple of years ago, seeing as how we weren’t lucky enough to get the WB until
last year. When I did finally see
that first episode, I was hooked.
I then proceeded to buy all of the season DVD’s, and I would have
marathon viewing sessions. After
spending about eight hours at a time with Clark, Lana, and Lex, I felt like I
lived in Smallville, and that was cool.
After watching the series in such a compressed time frame, I did notice
some peculiar things. First of all,
Lex Luthor is cocky dude. He was
constantly putting people “under his protection.”
What was he, the Smallville equivalent of the Godfather?
Secondly, Clark’s dad, Jonathon Kent, must have been one tough hombre.
He got the crap beat out of him on a regular basis.
He was thrown through windows and off of balconies with abandon.
Third, Lana Lang is hot! Come
on, Clark, stop being a wuss, show her you can lift a tractor trailer, and get
some sugar from that little hottie.
Lastly, I will admit that the first season was pretty formulaic:
1.
Random Smallville resident
gets infected with kryptonite.
2.
Said resident becomes a
meteor freak with some strange power and goes on to terrorize residents of
Smallville.
3.
Clark shows up three fourths
of the way through the episode and easily beats them after about a two minute
fight.
4.
Repeat.
I mean,
these meteor freaks sucked. They
couldn’t fight their way out of poop soaked paper bag.
I realize they were fighting the future Man of Steel, but still, they
should’ve at least put up a decent fight.
I can’t imagine what that did to their self esteem.
What did they do after Clark beat them?
They weren’t really suited for nine-to-five jobs.
And I really pity them if they tried to get inducted into the Legion of
Doom or some other group of mutant bad guys.
For
instance, remember the psycho girl in the episode “Craving”, from the
first season? Her power sucked.
Imagine her at a super villain meeting:
Brainiac:
No doubt, no doubt. So what’s
your power, sweet thing?
Meteor Freak:
I get really hungry, so I suck the fat out of people.
Brainiac:
Say what?
Meteor Freak:
I…uhh…suck fat?
Brainiac:
Oookaay? And then what?
Meteor Freak:
Then..umm…nothing. But I am
pretty hot now. People tell me I
look a lot like the red headed chick in that Will Ferrell movie, Talladega
Nights.
Brainiac:
Oh man. [addressing Mr. Freeze across the room]
Hey, Chilly, come over here!
You gotta hear this!
Mr. Freeze:
What's up, Nerdman?
Brainiac:
Just listen. Hey, little
missy, tell Mr. Freeze what your power is.
Meteor Freak:
I suck the fat out of people when I get hungry.
Mr. Freeze:
And then what happens? You’re
able to fly or shoot lightning bolts out of your hands or something, right?
Meteor Freak:
No, I just get full.
Mr. Freeze:
Wow. Just wow.
Brainiac:
What did I tell ya, dude?
Mr. Freeze: That has got to be, like, the suckiest power ever!
Brainiac:
Double true!
Mr. Freeze:
Hey man, we have got to tell the blob about this
chick. This may
his last best chance of ever hooking up with a real girl!
The
only thing that can save these meteor freaks is strength in numbers and a sense
of community. Show your support for
meteor freaks today with funny Meteor Freaks Anonymous gear.
Hair
Band Hard! T-shirts and Gifts
"I rock harder than a Hair Band. Believe it!"
All you needed to be a cool rock star in the 80's was a bottle of Aqua Net Super Hold and a crateful of makeup. Killer riffs and power ballads didn't hurt, either. And don't lie. You liked 'em. Whether it was Poison's "Every Rose Has It's Thorn" or Warrant's "Cherry Pie," everybody was jamming to the stuff. No, it's not considered cool now, but there was a time when a guy could tease his hair and not feel weird about it. Who needed Emo when you had pastel mascara? Those were the days.
Confused
Gamer T-shirts and Gifts
"Old School Gamer. We couldn't tell if we were fighting with a sword or a suppository. And that's the way we liked it!"
Texture mapping? Anisotropic filtering? More than 256 colors? We didn't need any of that crap in the 80's. All we needed was a Nintendo Entertainment System, a spare thirteen inch TV, and a day to waste. The Legend of Zelda took the world by storm, and at the time the graphics were revolutionary. At the time. Now that I look back at it, the graphics really sucked. Link was just a handful of primary color pixels, rupees looked like low resolution ecstasy tablets, and Link's sword? The thing looked like a cross between a sex toy and a suppository. No wonder the monsters got that weird look on their pixilated faces whenever they got hit. They probably thought they were being molested, or at the very least treated for fever or vomiting. But still, the original Zelda ruled. No doubt.
I
Bought Success T-shirts and Gifts
"If at first you don't succeed, Pay someone else to do it."
I freely confess that I'm lazy. I look on Wednesdays with dread because I know I've got to take the garbage to the road. You'd think they would've come up with a solution for that by now. When I first moved in to my own house, I thought the sink was broken for the first month. When I lived with my parents, I could put dirty dishes in the sink, and they would be clean the next morning. This new sink from Lowes didn't work. No matter what I did, the dishes were still dirty the next day. To my horror, I learned that you actually had to clean them yourself and that it wasn't magic like I thought. That's just stupid. Who came up with that idea? It goes without saying that I don't change the oil in my car or do my own home repairs or bathe myself. OK, I do bathe myself. No amount of money will convince anyone to do that for me. But the other stuff? It gets contracted out. I can't suck at it if I never try. I did try to put together a three piece speaker stand about a month ago. I failed miserably, so somebody else did that for me too. So from here on out, the hard stuff gets hired out. The way I see it, I'm doing my part to further capitalism. So basically I'm a hero. I won't let it go to my head, though.
This design was my first attempt to make text transparent and fill it with a separate layer. I think it came out all right, if I do say so myself.
Just
Carry Scrunchies T-shirts and Gifts
"All those Japanese horror movies wouldn't be nearly as scary if everyone would JUST CARRY SCRUNCHIES."
When I went to see The Grudge in theaters a couple of years ago, I wasn't expecting much. The thing starred Sarah Michelle Gellar, so I figured I'd have a hard time reconciling the fact that she wasn't fighting vampires this time around. I was rather surprised to get there and find the theater packed to the gills. I spent the next hour and half or so frightened to the point of being sick. I am a veteran of horror movies, and I realized then and there that what I thought of as "horror" was actually creepy sci-fi. The Grudge, on the other hand, was horror. According to a significant number of people, The Grudge sucked. I'm wondering if we saw the same movie. And I know it wasn't just me who was affected because there were several grown men behind me who announced at one point that they thought they had just soiled themselves. Perhaps it was herd mentality that amplified the scare factor, I don't know. I just know that I spent the next four nights sleeping on my parents' couch. Over the past couple of years of lightly treading the waters of J-Horror, I have noticed one very obvious cliché. A good many of the Japanese horror films—The Ring, Dark Water, etc.—contain a pasty white dead chick with black hair covering most of her face, and that's just scary. I propose that, from this point forward, the characters in these types of films carry an ample supply of scrunchies to pull the aforementioned creepy chick's hair back into a ponytail, thereby robbing her of most of her sinister aura. All you potential victims can thank me later.
Don't Wanna Be Right T-shirts and Gifts
"If loving you is wrong, then I don't wanna be right...unless your boyfriend is really big and mean—in that case, 'Bye!'"
Most guys have felt this way at one time or another. You fall head over heals for some girl. She's either hot, smart, sweet, funny, or all of the above. She's your soul mate, or at least that's what your testosterone is whispering to you while pining over her during hour long sob fests with Harry Nilsson's "Without You" playing over and over in the background—but, umm, maybe that's just me. Often—and it always seems to be this way with the good ones—the girl has one flaw. That blemish is better known as a boyfriend. And, as luck would have it, he's usually meaner and much larger than you. That really rips Cupid a new one and puts a damper on your storybook romance. You can choose to fight for this girl, or you can weigh your options. Will she really wait on you while you spend months in traction? These are serious questions that need to answered before you take that (possibly final) step. If you're lucky, she's got a hot sister who looks just like her and is also unattached. That last sentence was superficial, sexist, and uncaring. I did not write it. Darn hackers!
Kids
Meal Rebel T-shirts and Gifts
"I get my Kids Meals with two toys because I'm rebel hardcore!"
When I was a kid, I thought Ronald McDonald was the coolest, most awesome dude ever. No, not really. I think every kid past the age of five figures out pretty quickly that Ronald is huge dork. Ronald tried really hard to be hip, but somehow it never worked out for him. But the playgrounds were a blast. And they were much better then than they are now. Back then, the equipment was made out of metal and cement, not that safe plastic stuff they have nowadays. Going to McDonald’s was a real adventure. You were just as likely to get a busted lip or broken arm as you were a burger and fries. And that was awesome! And why was it that some kid always had to come out there with sticky hands? I don’t think McDonald’s had anything that sticky on the menu, either. And it was always the same sticky-handed kid. It was like he lived there or something. I would try to get on the spring loaded Hamburglar rocking horse thing, and this little boy would’ve left something analogous to snot all over the handles; I wonder what happened to that kid. And the Happy Meals rocked! Why did they rock? The toys. Usually, they were movie tie-ins or whatever, but they were still coveted. Sometimes they were just shoddy plastic replicas of the McDonald's characters. Even if the Fry Guys looked like pubic hair with feet and Birdie was an annoying little terd—as well as being a hermaphrodite, I mean seriously what was Birdie?—you still wanted the toy. But rebels don't settle for just one. Be a rebel. Break the mold.
Air
Guitar Ambush T-shirts and Gifts
"I play air guitar in my tighty whities. Don't pretend you didn't just visualize that."
I think I should be the first to tell you that not everyone looks like Tom Cruise from Risky Business when they jam away in their underwear. I mean, I do, but I’m not everybody. Most folks look more like Will Ferrell in Talladega Nights—or one of the other hundred or so movies and shows where he’s pranced around in his Fruit of the Looms. And in a list of things you don't want to see, the image of someone jamming away on their air guitar to Guns N' Roses while wearing tighty whities ranks pretty much at the top. And once you get that visual, it's like herpes. It's with you for life. It will slowly suck away your soul and leave you an empty shell. Give somebody that gift today and show that you really do care!
I
Brought Sexy Back T-shirts and Gifts
"I brought sexy back—but then I got gonorrhea."
I’ll have to be honest and confess
that ‘N Sync’s “Bye Bye Bye” is a catchy song.
I even learned the little dance to it, and I
sometimes do it in the privacy of my own home after I’ve had one too many
Mountain Dew’s.
It’s not nearly as impressive with just one person,
but still. Additionally, he's one of the best hosts that Saturday
Night Live has ever had.
The SNL short, “D*ck in A Box” is nothing short of
classic, and Homelessville and The Barry Gibb Talk Show never get old.
So I have to give J-Timb his due.
(I just came up with that name, so give me my
props.) And even if it doesn't sound like him...at all, Justin
Timberlake's Sexyback was a mega-hit.
Somehow, though, I don't think this is quite what
he meant when he came up with the song.
Look at it this way, though.
Now you can do your part to promote STD awareness with this funny design.
It’s good for everybody.
Friendship -- May your circle forever be unbroken.
Just a warning. The following story strays from the lightheartedness of the site. But it's a story that I feel needs to be told, and I need to tell it. It helps me to tell it.
Back in the summer of 2003, I was still living with my parents. And I'll admit I got lonely at times. Sure, you could say, "get a girlfriend, idiot," but then you'd remember just who's site this is and realize that you might as well tell me to fly to the moon with Jessica Alba as my copilot. Anyway, I think God realized that not only was I lonely, my parents were lonely as well. One day, three stray kittens strolled out of the woods. They couldn't have been more than a few weeks old. And they were starving to death. Their mother was nowhere to be found. We were reluctant at first to do more than feed them. We'd never had cats. In fact, we hadn't had a pet at all in over fifteen years at that point. But those little kittens were smooth. They stole our hearts. My mom and dad found that they began every morning drinking coffee and watching those cats play. I couldn't wait to get home in the evenings to see them. They became as attached to us as we were to them. But as much as they loved us, it paled in comparison to the bond they had with each other. Those three cats acted in unison in almost every way. They were inseparable.
The fate of their mother became apparent about a year later. My father noticed that a lot of the stray cats in the area were going missing. We had gotten them vaccinated, and we thought we were safe. The runt of the litter, a female, got sick in June. She stayed sick for days, spending several nights in the hospital. They doctor had no idea what was wrong other than the cat having a fever. She got better eventually, and we breathed a collective sigh of relief. That breath was cut off about a week later. The larger female started showing similar symptoms. Early one morning I found her next to the creek, her breathing labored. I picked her up, something she'd never let me do. She was extremely temperamental and liked to have contact on her own terms. It was the first and last time I ever held her. We took her to the animal hospital. She died the next morning. She had contracted feline infectious peritonitis, or FPV, a rare and almost always fatal disease.
A week later the third sibling, a large, heavy healthy male, became ill. He actually came home from the hospital. For two weeks we watched him waste away. I finally made the decision that my parents couldn't make. We all loved him too much to watch him go like that. We had him put to sleep. It turned out that he had contracted lung worms, another rare disease with a high mortality rate. We had wormed them all regularly, but somehow this slipped through. In our one little neighborhood, we had two rare diseases. The place was like a Chernobyl for cats. The runt of the litter was lucky. She developed immunity to both diseases. We worm her regularly just to be safe. She's still with us, and we feel lucky to have her.
But things will never be the same. I'm grateful for that one year I had with those three loveable cats. For me, this design demonstrates the purity and power of true love and friendship.
"This is my second favorite shirt so I'm ready to do a B/E."
I’ll admit it.
I like Dane Cook.
I realize that he’s that he’s the poster boy for
overexposure right now, but that’s not his fault.
I never have gauged an entertainer’s entertainment
value by how popular they are anyway.
It reminds me of the Metallica backlash in the
mid-90’s. All the fanboys were ready to name their firstborns James
Hetfield until the Black Album hit it big, and then all of a sudden Metallica
was a pox on the world.
There’s something about an underground act making
it big that turns some of the original hardcore fans against them.
From there, it’s just a chain reaction, and then
people who’ve never really heard of them hate them just because it’s the thing
to do. I’ll acknowledge that a lot of the disdain for Metallica
came from Lars Ulrich’s hissy fit over the whole Napster deal, but I remember
people were already snubbing them before that ever happened.
How did I get this so off subject?
I first saw Dane Cook on his awesome HBO special,
“Vicious Circle.”
Personally, I thought it was one of the best
stand-up performances I’ve ever seen.
I realize it wasn’t rocket science, but it was
still poignant and funny.
Dane’s strength is as much in his delivery as it is
in his material.
And he was “on” that night.
I’ve since watched most of his stuff on YouTube.
I’ll be honest and say that some of his stuff is
hit or miss, but when he’s funny, he’s really funny.
For anyone who’s seen “Vicious Circle,” this shirt
will make complete sense.
Half
the Battle
"Knowing is half the battle. The other half involves lots of guns and death."
GI Joe.
What kid from the 80’s doesn’t remember GI Joe?
Along with The Transformers and the homoerotic
He-Man, GI Joe was a staple of afterschool entertainment.
The show involved a never-ending battle between the
Joe team and Cobra Command.
They had an exhaustive and varied assortment of
weaponry at their disposal, but did you ever notice that nobody ever got killed?
I don’t think anybody ever really got shot.
What a bunch of crappy shooters they had.
Yeah, it was a kid’s show, but even kids realized
after a while that something screwy was going on.
I mean, how elite can the GI Joe team be when they
can’t hit anybody with super duper laser cannon?
Still, it was an awesome show, and every kid loved
it. It was kind of like the meth of its time.
And the public service announcements that had at
the end of every episode were classic.
It involved a member of the Joe team schooling a
bunch of brats about something stupid they were doing, like skating on thin ice
or playing with vats of Chlamydia or something.
It always ended with the Joe member saying, “Now we
know. And knowing is half the battle!”
What was the other half?
You don’t win a war with a terrorist organization
like Cobra Command by throwing out little tidbits of advice.
Somebody’s gotta get shot.
With humorous “Half the Battle” merchandise, that question
is finally answered.
Now we know, and knowing…well, you get the picture.
"Wonder Twin powers Activate! Form of...free dinner and a movie! Shape of...total loss of male judgment!"
As a kid growing up in the 70's and
80's, I got up early every
Saturday morning to watch the Superfriends.
One thing I never understood, though.
You had Batman, Superman, Wonder Woman, and several
other incredibly powerful super heroes fighting crime, and yet they would
routinely require the help of the Wonder Twins, a geeky alien brother and sister
who not only looked disturbingly like Donny and Marie Osmond, but they had crappy
powers to boot.
Who needs the Man of Steel when you could get these
two dorks to turn into a pink gorilla and a gallon of water in a urine bucket?
Now, to the matter at hand.
Wonder Twins can also refer to totally different
thing, or things.
Had the Superfriends had access to the power of a
couple of perfect C-cups, the super villains would’ve never stood a chance.
In the real world, the Wonder Twins are more
powerful than even the most diabolical mind control rays, and they’re a whole
lot easier to “build.”
Personally, I’ve not even going to try to fight the
Wonder Twins.
I’m just going to give up, say “yes ma’am” and “no
ma’am,” and hope they don’t decide to take over the world.
"Take my to down to the Paradise City where the cash is green and the orange cornrows look funny."
In the late 80’s and early 90’s, Guns
N’ Roses were the biggest rock music act in the world.
They gained respect from both the teeny bopper
crowd and the hardcore headbangers, a rare trait indeed.
Even today, just about everyone can sing along with
“Welcome to the Jungle” and “Paradise City.”
In the mid 90’s, however, something happened, and
the band split.
Nobody knows for sure, but rumor has it that Axl
Rose, the lead singer, became hard to get along with, to put it mildly.
Some say he let fame go to his head.
Others say that the super intelligent dolphins in
the “Estranged” music video altered his brainwave patterns and turned him kooky.
OK, I just made that one up, but it’s as good an
excuse as any.
Whatever happened, the band splintered, with Slash
and crew eventually forming Velvet Revolver and Axl attempting to complete
Chinese Democracy, his newest album, with a “new” GNR.
He’s been trying to do so for ten years now, and
some say it’s become a money pit.
And what’s with the cornrows thing Axl’s got going
on? It’s obvious he’s had some kind of hair transplant.
With as much money as he’s obviously got on tap,
you would think that the work he had done would be worthy of showing off instead
of hiding it in a Carrot Top Predator look.
With that, the cancelled tours, and the
insufferably late album, the whole thing is turning into a real life Spinal Tap.
Hopefully, Axl will see the light one day, and the
“real” GNR will get back together.
The
Breakfast of Champions T-shirts and Gifts
"Bacon, Eggs, and Wellbutrin—The Breakfast of Champions"
First there was Prozac. Then there was Paxil. Later, Effexor had its run. Then, emerging as an unexpected contender, Wellbutrin entered the fray. For many, Wellbutrin has been the difference between lying in the bed all day and actually getting on with life. I prefer it because it’s like meth-laced caffeine in tablet form. Who needs the 100% USRDA of ten vitamins and minerals when you’ve got that little pill to start the day? Type A personalities and Wellbutrin go together like Sonny and Cher, like peanut butter and jelly, like drunken rednecks any episode of COPS…well, you get the idea. Show your support for the breakfast of champions today!
Site last updated: 02/29/2008
